I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
