i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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