Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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