I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
