1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it's like iHOP with fire
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
