naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
