im having a threesome with these popsicles
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
