My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
