Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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