she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
