Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
