I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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