Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Let's paint friendship bongs
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
