Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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