There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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