I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize