I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
