My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
