break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I wish I only lived at night.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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