I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
