Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
