And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
