She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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