I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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