its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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