no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
