Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
