Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
