My underwear smells like fireworks.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Green mimosas i think yes
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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