Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize