you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
