I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
