i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im six kinds of drunk right now
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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