this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
