I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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