My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize