The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
