This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize