Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
