My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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