If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
