You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
