I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
