I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize