Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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