Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
