please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
