you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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