new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
