wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
