I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It's Friday. Sex?
that's an acceptable place to lick
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
