Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
