i used baking grease as lip gloss
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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