There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
