Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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