Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
